How To Protest (Extinction Rebellion Style!)

So you've decided to get off your butt and save the planet. About time!

So, what was it that put you over the edge? Was it the impassioned plea to "Act Now" because "Our House is Flooding!" Or was it the finger-wagging "How dare you?" of everyone's favorite Klimajugend? Or maybe it was the shocking revelation that "The sky has AIDS!"

Oh, sorry. That last one was a catch phrase from the last invented enviroscare. But we're super cereal about it this time. I mean, haven't you heard? We only have 12 years left to save the planet! (Or maybe that should be one year. Or is it negative three years? Or perhaps the jig was up nineteen years ago. Whatever. Don't bother me with facts. The point is, we're all doomed!)

Alright, whatever. You're here. That's good enough. But what now? I mean, there's the lawsuit that will stop species from going extinct, but you know how slowly the gears of justice grind. And there's the excellent new idea to impose a military draft to confront climate change, but it seems there isn't a lot of popular support for that idea for some reason. Isn't there anything we can actually do to stop the weather gods from killing us all?

Well, fret not, dear concerned ecowarrior. We here at Extinction Rebellion have the perfect plan for you! Here's the easy-peasy five step plan to starting an international protest movement that's guaranteed to keep the global average temperature from changing!

1 - Get the backing of a consortium of shady, well-connected NGOs and financiers

You know how it is. You can't launch a worldwide movement to coordinate actions and push through a political agenda without massive amounts of money from shadowy banksters, right? So the answer is simple: Ally yourself with the shadowy banksters!

Thankfully, this part isn't difficult at all. There already exists a non-profit industrial complex bankrolled by billionaires that are only too happy to help you out... so long as you promote their pet causes, of course. The World Economic Forum and all its Business for Nature friends are only too happy to pump money into their "Global Shapers" movement to "empower young people to play an active role in shaping local, regional and global agendas."

See? Turns out all those good folks at Davos are gung-ho about saving Mother Earth, too! Who knew?

Now you may be asking yourself what on earth could the technocrats who are seeking to monopolize the world's resources possibly stand to gain by greenwashing their financialization of nature under the banner of "Sustainable Development" and the New Deal for Nature? Oh, that's right: They stand to gain everything. Literally everything. The entire world and all its resources.

So yes, the billionaires are on our side! But we need more than just money to truly overturn the global order . . .

2. Make Sure the Lying Liars of the MSM Are Unanimously on Your Side

Luckily, the mainstream media are only too happy to back up our narrative about a "world on fire" at any and every opportunity. In fact, they will turn over backwards, twist themselves into pretzel knots, and otherwise defy all reason in their attempt to gin up support for our climate catastrophism.

Our MSM comrades are only too happy to report breathlessly on every pronouncement of the IPCC as the final word on the "settled science" no matter how thoroughly or frequently that organization and its pronouncements are debunked.

Our faithful allies in the mockingbird media can be relied on to trumpet warnings of imminent death and destruction every time a new fearporn "study" is released. When that study is immediately debunked and eventually retracted, those same allies can also be relied on to bury that story quietly. Then they will rinse, repeat, and start the process all over again with the next over-hyped completely fake study.

Oh, and Greta? You didn't think all that press coverage of the 16 year old in Sweden was an organic, grassroots thing, did you? Oh how naive. It would take several thousand words to explain how this Greta phenomenon was manufactured, but here's the media angle: It has now emerged that over 250 of our partners in the mainstream media—including CBS, Bloomberg to BuzzFeed News, HuffPost, The Daily Beast, Newsweek, Slate and over 200 other outlets—conspired with the Columbia Journalism Review to coordinate and shape the "climate crisis" narrative at the 2019 UN climate summit. A big part of that narrative just happened to be the wall-to-wall coverage of that lovable 16 year old whose memorable speeches have warmed the cockles of our hearts.

So don't worry, we've got our media bases covered. Now, onto the activism!

3. Direct Most of Your Rage at the Working Poor

This is vital. Don't underestimate this step. It is absolutely imperative that you do deeply meaningful things like standing on Tube trains and otherwise interfering with the livelihoods of people who are barely able to make ends meet. You have to make it known that the entire fate of the world lies in their hands alone and the world will literally become an uninhabitable flaming slagheap if they take a train to work, or eat the wrong food, or put their trash in the wrong bin.

Remember the immortal words of the good billionaires and technocrats at The Club of Rome:

In searching for a common enemy against whom we can unite, we came up with the idea that pollution, the threat of global warming, water shortages, famine and the like, would fit the bill. In their totality and their interactions these phenomena do constitute a common threat which must be confronted by everyone together. But in designating these dangers as the enemy, we fall into the trap, which we have already warned readers about, namely mistaking symptoms for causes. All these dangers are caused by human intervention in natural processes, and it is only through changed attitudes and behaviour that they can be overcome. The real enemy then is humanity itself.

Never forget that all these horrible filthy humans going about their business are the enemy! They must be made to understand that their very act of existence is a sin against nature and that their every exhalation hastens the inevitable end of the world.

Above all, keep in mind that any talk about corporate greed should take the form of generalized platitudes with no specific meaning and no possibility of enforcement. The role of the military as one of the most destructive forces on the planet—environmentally and otherwise—must never be raised.

No, it is Joe Sixpack and Jane Soccermom who are to blame for the inevitable fiery heat death of all our grandchildren, and don't you let them forget it!

4. Smear Anyone Who Opposes You As Earth-Hating Scum

Everyone knows that climate change is about to kill us all. I mean, how can you not know it? The signs are everywhere?

Shorter winters? Climate change. Harsher winters? Climate change. Less snow? Climate change. More snow? Climate change. More hurricanes? Climate change. Fewer hurricanes? Climate change. More rain? Climate change. Less rain? Climate change. Less malaria? Climate change. More malaria? Climate change.

I could go on, but I'm sure you get my point.

But evidently, there are some people who don't get my point.

Luckily, we have methods for dealing with those people.

We can redefine the peer-reviewed literature to ensure that nothing of theirs will ever get published.

We can SLAPP them with lawfare to intimidate them into shutting up.

We can harass and intimidate the venues that host their conferences until they are forced to cancel their events.

We can turn around their well-documented articles about the trillions that are being diverted into the new "post-carbon" economy and the trillionaires who are behind this agenda with some vague questions about who's funding their $5-a-month websites.

And if that doesn't work we can always try them for crimes against humanity and jail those who fail to act the way we want them to.

And, of course, there is always the final solution.

Funny you should mention that, actually...

5. Kill Yourself (slightly joking)

Oh, don't be silly. You don't have to actually kill yourself to prove how much you love Mother Earth. I mean, we're not demanding ritual human sacrifice to appease the weather gods, exactly.

It's just that, as the latest settled science from the completely settled scientists in the settled scientific community are telling us, the only real solution to climate change is to have fewer people. We need mass depopulation to occur. That's all we're saying. No one's saying anything about how we actually make that depopulation happen.

If you want to hop on board the anti-natalist bandwagon and stop having children until the weather stops changing, that's great. And who knows, that may be enough. It may not be enough, of course, but it's a start.

Don't listen to the people who are pointing out the decades of outrageously incorrect predictions of a certain depopulation advocate. And don't listen to the people that point out that the centuries of failed predictions from the Malthusian fearmongers prove that humans are in fact the ultimate resource and that an expanding population actually increases our ability to solve environmental issues. That's just crazy talk!

I should just add as an aside that there are obviously too many humans (who could possibly dispute that settled science?) and we are obviously a cancer on the planet. So look on the bright side: If a bunch of people were to die in some horrible war or bioweapon release by a shadowy terrorist group, we'd be saving the planet in the process, right? Win-win!

Your Turn!

I'm so glad you've committed your life to fighting with us against the coming mass extinction! You have committed your life, right? Good.

Then, by all means, continue filling up your Fortune 500-manufactured car at your Fortune 500-owned gas station on your way to the next protest, and make sure to stop in at McDonald's for some wholesome nutrition on your way back home afterward. And if that harried worker serving your food recognizes your banner and beats you to death for stopping them from getting to their second job the other day, just think: Your death will have contributed to that mass depopulation that we so sorely need!

But whatever you do, never ask what it is we're actually asking for, or what we'll do when we achieve these things. (Especially #3. Whatever you do, don't think too deeply about Demand #3!)

Happy rebelling!